By Eric Gomez, MS, LMFT, MHP, Seattle Christian Counseling, PLLC
One of greatest ways for any couple to cultivate a healthy marriage is to adopt the mindset that they are responsible for the quality and course of their marriage. This perspective is important for many reasons, but chiefly because:
- It places the power and the responsibility for positive change on each partner.
- It helps the couple avoid falling into blaming patterns.
- It empowers them to determine the progress and strength of the relationship.
Furthermore, couples with this mindset are able to live on a basis of certain values and principles that guide the course of their relationship (Covey, 2004). These values form the basis for their family system, and are lived out on a daily basis. In this article, I would like to take a close look at how each of the three concepts mentioned above can enable you to take responsibility for the quality of your relationship.
Mutual Power and Responsibility
A marriage should never rest on the shoulders of one partner. Each spouse shares an equal part in making sure the relationship is healthy and headed in the desired direction. When both members assume responsibility for what takes place in their marriage, it lays a foundation for growth and places the power to move beyond present circumstances firmly in their hands. Spouses who are willing to engage in this process of self-evaluation not only abide by Scripture, they also take leaps forward in breaking beyond any previously experienced negative cycles of interaction.
Oftentimes, couples I counsel have little trouble believing their spouse needs to change. They are able to point out all their spouses’ faults and tell me numerous negative stories about their partner’s behavior. However, when I ask them to tell me how they plan to take responsibility for changing the course of their relationship, they all of a sudden have very little to say. I don’t ask them about their responsibility to be unkind or to suggest their spouse is somehow better. Rather, I ask the question with the intent of helping both members begin to evaluate their own hearts, and moreover see that the power to improve their marriage lies within them. As Scripture reminds us, we are all held accountable for our actions:
“And why do you look at the speck in your brother’s eye, but do not consider the plank in your own eye? Or how can you say to your brother, ‘Let me remove the speck from your eye’; and look, a plank is in your own eye? Hypocrite! First remove the plank from your own eye, and then you will see clearly to remove the speck from your brother’s eye (Matthew 7:3-5, NKJV).”
Breaking The Patterns of Blame
What changes when you or I blame our spouse for the problems of our relationship? Nothing! The only thing that ensues is a vicious cycle where we continually point out just how bad the other is failing. This is obviously an emotion-driven cycle, and it is not grounded in mature adult thinking. How can spouses begin to minimize the recurrence of these negative cycles?
Adopting the mindset that you are personally responsible for your actions and responses is a great way to start breaking these cycles and establishing new patterns of interaction. At the end of the day, you are the only one who is able to choose to think and act responsibility. You alone can decide to be an example of empathy, love, patience, and kindness to your spouse and your family. In addition, you are responsible for making a consistent effort to meet the needs of your spouse, and to not provoke them by doing things that upset them. I am not talking about a relationship based on the logic of, “If you do this first, then I will do this.” No, I am talking about both members having the maturity and responsibility to say, “I choose to love my spouse, and to do so by understanding what is important to them and making efforts to meet their needs.”
Self-Directed Change
This last statement reflects the mindset of a spouse who is self-directed and who has a clear vision for their marriage. They aren’t willing to wait and see how their marriage ends up over time. Rather, they’ve determined to take the actions necessary to have a healthy relationship with their spouse. They are proactive in this regard. Dr. Stephen Covey provides a great explanation of the difference between a reactive individual and a proactive individual. This explanation applies to any relationship. Dr. Covey defines a proactive individual as one who has taken responsibility for their own life, and states that their behavior is a function of their decisions (e.g., choosing to abide by their values and principles) and not their conditions (e.g., what someone else says or does). By contrast, a reactive individual is primarily influenced by their physical or social environment (Covey, 2004).
You and your spouse will ultimately decide which type of people you will be. Just know that the choices you make have powerful ramifications for your marriage. If the choice to adopt a proactive mindset would reflect a major shift in how you both function in your relationship, then give yourselves grace as you take the time to develop this new mindset. What matters is that you both have started to take responsibility for the quality and course of your marriage.
Christian Counseling for a Responsible Marriage
If you and your spouse would like to learn more about how you can take steps to build a quality marriage based on personal responsibility, please do not hesitate to contact me. Christian counseling is a unique resource in which you can begin strengthening your marriage, while incorporating the powerful principles found in Scripture. A Christian counselor can guide you and your partner as you discover how to break unhealthy patterns and establish new cycles of relating that will deepen intimacy and strengthen your bond.
References
Covey, S. R. (2004). The 7 habits of highly effective people: Powerful lessons in personal change. New York, NY: Free Press.
Photos
Couple Photo by John Hope (Creative Commons License)
Eric Gomez, MS, LMFT, MHP
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